Do you have trouble saying “no?” Why is it that despite our best intentions we find ourselves overwhelmed because of overcommitment in our schedules? We say, “Next time I am not going to commit to so many things. I’m going to simplify.” Yet, we instinctively say “yes” before thinking through all of the costs.
Many of us are chronically overcommitted, but we can’t seem to find a way out and feel stuck and overwhelmed. This is especially true for those of us with ADHD.
My intentions are usually good, but if I am not careful, I end up freaking out because of having too much on my plate. I commit to doing too much, then get overwhelmed, and end up having to borrow time from somewhere else to complete a project. And many times, that somewhere else ends up being my personal time – my sleep, exercise, family life, and spiritual activities.
Overcommitment of your time and energy beyond what you really have available and tricking yourself into thinking that somehow it will all work out creates a lot of unnecessary stress, fatigue, and anxiety.
Understanding some of the reasons behind our habit of overcommitment is vital. Knowing why we tend to take on too much can help us create specific strategies to solve the problem.
When I examined my own life, here are some of the reasons I came up with and some of the steps I have taken to address this problem:
Being a People Pleaser
One of the reasons I struggle with overcommitment is that I feel like I need the approval of other people. I am overly concerned with what people think of me. Don’t get me wrong – I am a confident well-adjusted person. But many of us with ADHD have at least a few struggles with self-esteem.
I sometimes find myself saying or doing the wrong thing, forgetting things, running late, or doing other embarrassing things that disappoint people and cause them to judge me. And so, I am tempted to bend over backward trying to please people to compensate for some of my ADHD symptoms, even at my own personal expense. I used to sacrifice my own time, money, and convenience so that people would like me despite all of the ways I have upset them with my annoying ADHD symptoms.
For example, if I felt embarrassed for saying something stupid in front of my boss, I made sure I volunteered to help with extra things after work hours even though doing so left me exhausted and burned out and I wondered how I let myself get in those situations. But it felt worth it to impress my superior. Crazy isn’t it? I fell into a destructive pattern of robbing my personal life to compensate for overcommitment at work.
Eventually I decided that it was not worth it to jump through hoops to impress people who probably didn’t even notice my efforts. My identity is in Christ, and I began to realize that it is OK to make mistakes sometimes. It is much healthier and more realistic to apologize when needed, learn from the situation and try to do better next time.
Surrounding myself with people who accept me as I am has also helped. And I am married to a wonderful man who “gets me” and loves me no matter what. So I do not need to take on more than I should to gain approval.
F.O.M.O.
Another reason I have trouble saying “no” is my Fear of Missing Out, or F.O.M.O. I have a lot of energy and am excited about and interested in many different things. I like to go to new places, meet new people, and try new things.
Mainly, I like to have fun! So, when something sounds fun, I want to jump on it right away before the opportunity goes away or someone else takes my spot.
But the older I get I realize that there will always be other opportunities and that the world will not end if I miss this one. I’ve learned to evaluate each opportunity to see if it lines up with my values and ask myself if I can live without it.
Impulsivity
Impulsivity is an issue especially for those of us on the hyperactive end of the spectrum. I tend to think, “Hey, that’s a great idea!” and just dive right in headfirst without carefully considering the other commitments I have. I have crammed so many activities into my life for so long that it just felt normal. I mean isn’t everyone stressed out?
And then what made it worse was that the more I overcommitted, the more forgetful and disorganized I became, so I would then try to compensate by more overcommitment!
So now instead of giving in to the knee-jerk urge to blurt out “yes” before thinking, I have learned to say, “I’m interested, but I need some time to think about it.” This keeps my enthusiasm from getting the best of me.
Poor Awareness of Time
People with ADD or ADHD tend to see time in only two ways: Now and Not Now. Whatever is right in front of us gets the attention. We tend to underestimate the amount of time a task will require, and we just keep adding things to our schedules without letting go of anything.
I would fool myself into thinking I could handle it all and end up stressed out. It is hard to focus on long term priorities when I am continuously caught up in my own experience at the moment.
One way I have learned to fix this problem is to live in seasons. So, I may volunteer for something at church, for example, and make a time commitment of 3 – 6 months only. Then if something else comes along that I want to do I drop the first commitment. I may do one extra activity in the fall and a different one in the spring, but for every new commitment I say “yes” to, I have to say “no” to one or two others.
I have also learned to plan for the unexpected. I used to live in this illusion that everything will just magically happen beautifully without any problems. But then I would get stuck in traffic, leave something at home on accident, run out of gas, have computer problems, you name it, and then the whole day falls apart.
I get up earlier now and give myself more time to prepare to get out the door, and I plan to arrive 15 minutes early to give me a time margin in case something goes wrong.
Forgetfulness
If I don’t immediately write things down, I forget them. So, I may be tempted to say “Yes!” to one more thing if I have forgotten what I already committed to.
If you have ADHD like me, you are fooling yourself if you think you can just keep track of everything in your head. Put things on your calendar, your phone, anywhere you can find it later – as long as it is not just in your head.
If I have prior commitments written somewhere, I can check them first before I make any new commitments and may end up thinking twice about saying yes.
Why are you overcommitted?
Now, when I am about to say, “yes” out of habit, I hesitate and think. I say, “I need some time to think about it.” I ask myself if I am just wanting to do this to please someone or out of guilt or obligation. I look at my other commitments I have written down. I drop some old things when I commit to something new, and I allow myself extra time.
Most of all, I have learned to be more comfortable saying no to things that don’t line up with my goals and purpose in life. I remind myself that it really is OK to say “no.”
What about you? Why are you overcommitted? Making even some small changes can have a huge payoff in terms of lower stress and less chaos in your life.
Let me know if you have any more tips to add to this list!